Friday, April 17, 2015

Sitting in my room one day at treatment, I was feeling extremely down, so for some reason I wrote this poem.

Hey guys and girls.  Thank you for stopping by to check out this post.  Today I just want to offer a glimpse into some of the journey I have been on during the last five and a half months while being in recovery.  At the time that I wrote this I was sitting in my room at the treatment facility I went to and I was not in a good place.  I hated everything about the place.
I was desperately concerned for my then girlfriend of 15 years, who had now lived a whole month homeless because I lost my house and had to finally admit that I was no longer progressing in life. I was in fact regressing.  I feel like I had to draw the line.

I had 18 years of extreme drug use under my belt, and no sober time since the age of 15.  I was really scared and wanted desperately for us to attend the same treatment center and to begin this new chapter of our lives together, the same as we had for so so long.  She was not ready to enter treatment again.  So once again the drug that had completely destroyed my entire life in just under a year, landed another crushing blow, right to my temple it seemed.

So, we parted ways.  To this day I remain, almost 1 year later,  bewildered, and still hurt by the split.  Throughout the 5 months I have been in recovery I have spent, and continue to struggle many hours feeling troubled and wishing with all my heart that I could somehow rationalize or find a way to explain or justify everything that has happened to us, especially to her, since we parted ways.

Recovery is a trip.  If I wasn't in such shock, and experiencing so much upheaval, I mean really, massive change in my life it would not be possible to experience such powerful emotions. I know that if I was still using I would rarely, if ever, be forced to experience the melancholy that I have dealt with the past five months.  I even have some proof of that.. I mean, I wrote a freaking poem for crying out loud.  That has never been my style.  I mean, nothing has ever led me to write a poem before.

Needless to say, it's not a cheerful poem.  I don't know any of the rules to follow when formatting poetry, so bear with me if it's off.  I would also be very thrilled if anyone would care to take the time to offer some feedback to me about the poem.  I don't care if you say it was terrible, I just want an idea if it is worth trying to write some more poetry, or if the grasp I currently have of writing poetry is poor, and I should not waste the time.  I often compose essays of all types for people as a service, I even used to freelance professionally writing resumes for a time. But I have never felt the urge to write a poem.  Perhaps the only reason I experience any emotion when I read it is because I know what events are behind each line.  So please let me know.  Thank you guys, I really hope you have a great day.

Crossing the Divide

With you now gone, I remain all alone.
No longer hearing your sweet voice on the phone.
The only sound now, a loud dial tone.
Broken and scattered, as though once a whole stone.

No understanding how this came to be.
Looking in the mirror, I no longer see me.
For you I will climb the tallest mountain, I will swim the deepest sea.
I was alive when I was yours, why would you ever set me free?

What we had was real, nowhere near fake.
Something so beautiful, I pray we re-create.
We can be in love again, we'll just replace the hate.
True love comes once every lifetime, you are my soul mate.

Here are a couple of Positive Affirmations for you:

"Every day I wake up excited and eager to start a new adventure."

"Everything I touch turns to gold."

"I love myself for my ability to overcome anything."

It would really help everyone if we would simply Connect With Each Other: